FOR all those readers wanting an update on the dead otter situation you're in the right place - 'dead otter update' is my middle name, which made primary school really tough.

Apparently if you find a dead otter you have to tell the Environment Agency. In theory the EA should then come and take the animal away to do poke and do tests on. But when the finder of the Redmire otter rang up, they were told the EA's otter collecting budget was empty and they wouldn't be coming to collecting the dead otter any time soon until at least the next financial year. Sometimes I make things up but this is not one of those cases by the way.

Things then got a bit stranger for the dead otter finder as the EA said it was illegal for them to have the carcass - so they would have to bury it.

This may leave farmers wondering why it's okay to bury a dead otter when you have to call the knacker man to come and take away your dead sheep and cows.

Anyway let's move on. Halloween was a big success in our house. I'm an old school trick or treater. Some parents just take their children to the houses with pumpkins and plastic Halloween tat from Wilkinsons outside, but I like to be more thorough. If there are signs of life inside - even a chink of light behind the curtain - we're knocking.

As well as ensuring you do not miss the house giving away full-sized Double Deckers, this plans helps the children cope with the rejection and disappointment that later life will no-doubt bring.

"Why doesn't the lady come to the door? I can see her sitting watching TV daddy," said the little girl at one point.

"Because she's a meanie," I told her, adding: "When you're 18, you're walking home from the King's Head and you need a garden to be sick in just remember those who opened their door and those who didn't."

I say I'm old school but this year we chickened out and got a pumpkin rather than a turnip. Knocking on doors that will never open is miserable enough without spending two hours risking serious finger injury hollowing a vegetable as hard as granite with your mum's best kitchen knife.